It’s a phrase I dread.
“I have two children who are so close in age it’s like having twins.”
Really? You know what? I reckon having twins is the only thing that is like having twins.
Lately, I’ve had a lot of mothers say that although they don’t have twins, they understand what it is like. Bless you, all but what the?
I am not taking anything away from the hard yakka of having kids whether they are 15 months apart or five years. It’s just that having two children of different ages is not like having twins. Having twins is the only thing like having twins.
Like all mums of twins, I had two kids instantly – and I was a first-time mum. I had no choice but to dive in at the deep, deep end. I had to get used to it quickly and woman up. Yes I said woman up.
I fed the twins at the same time every three hours or so. I woke up both babies to feed them burped them, change their nappies and then put them back down for naps. I felt like a robot with so little sleep. Most new mums are sleep deprived but make mine a double!
You would not imagine all the things I had to take with me to go to the park, the shops or even just a park visit. It was like I was leaving home every time I packed up the bags. Nappies, wipes, burp clothes, multiple changes of clothes, pram, bottles with breast milk in them, cool bag to keep breast milk okay and more. I felt like a packhorse!
I made sure to only leave the house after a feed and had some milk just in-case one was hungry or I got stuck. Hey, all mums do this but I just needed double of everything!
And even now when they are six and at the same level wrangling two people who want to do everything “now” or worse, yesterday because they do everything on high speed running everywhere, never walking, I wish I had an older child to help me wrangle them to a safe stop. Oh, and my kingdom for some hand-me-downs instead of having to buy two of everything – and often two of the same item but in two different patterns, colours, styles.
When you have bubs one at a time you have kids at different stages of development and can leverage that to get things done but also spend special one-on-one time with each of your kids. While one is playing with blocks or napping you can feed bubby and truly be with your baby.
Achieving one-on-one time with the girls has been a challenge. I have listened enviously when other mums talk about having that precious time alone with each of their children when they first came home. Or later when baby number two is asleep so they can play with their toddler or taking toddler to the park when their oldest first goes to school.
I have found ways to get that one-on-one time with each of my girls but it has not been easy. When just one would wake in the night I often thought it was her deliberate way to get special cuddles with mummy. I still do. Hubby and I take a daughter each to different things on the weekend to get that quality alone time but we have to wait until Saturday each week when his work week is at an end.
Okay, okay so twins is not all pushing a bolder up a hill – or a double stroller through a busy supermarket aisle. There is no playing the noise police to ensure an older child doesn’t wake the baby. Or packing for different ages and stages when you leave the house. Or complaints about those hand-me-downs.
And I do get that siblings who are close in age can share a special bond and even be super close. Great, but they are not twins so quit saying that.
Or am I the only one that feels like this?
This post has also been published on Kidspot. Discuss this issue with other parents.
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I can totally relate to this. I guess every situation is different and having two children close together in age is still challenging, just in different ways. My worst moment came in a department store when I had a pair of 2yos in the buggy kicking off with major tantrums at the same time. A lady in the shop next to me smiled and told me she also had it hard as she had an 8yo (who was at school at the time) and a 4yo. She walked off with her quiet, well behaved 4yo leaving me behind with a pair of screaming monkeys. I was not impressed! Finally, now my boys are five they play together so nicely that it's almost easier than having a singleton.
I also have to confess - I had a daughter 2yrs10 months after my boys and she was the easiest ever baby but now she is 2.5 she is challenging in totally different ways to my boys (sometimes way harder than they ever were!) But that's what they say - girls make easier babies and then get harder, whereas boys start off hard and get easier. I'll see how that pans out over the next few years!
Great post. xx
Hi Karen, I agree with you! A kid at school and a younger one at home is not the same as dealing with two the same age, and especially when they are having meltdowns. Thanks so much for your comment and insights. Love your blog! Suzanne.
Hi Suzanne. Great topic. I don't have twins but have two sets of friends with twins and another who had two sets of twins. In one case, the mum had to get her two big boys up four flights of stairs to their apartment home as there was no lift! All that stuff plus the bus carted up and down while her husband was at work.Weekends were a tad easier. I can understand why it irks to hear mums compare their close age kids to twins. I also learned something - hearing about the one-on one time - another challenge. However, as we all know from your blog, you love your twines to bits but you're entitled to letting off a bit of steam here.
Thanks Kate, I was thinking of posting this for a while and have finally done it. I have had quite a number of people explain their situation as the same or similar when it is completely different. Finally my post is now with the world and I think others agree with me. Yes it is good to let off a bit of steam and thanks for your comment.
Every configuration is different with different challenges. And you have survived. The girls have survived. Well done. You have a few good years coming up but prepare yourself for teenage hood. They will b the hard years.
Thanks Trish, and yes every situation is different. I am glad we have done so well and the girls as well. I am not looking forward to the teenage years, but they are soon approaching.
I don't get this obsession with being 'special' because we have twins. Some women seem to make a career out of being a mother of twins. Really, it's not that big a deal, and not that unusual today either. I have three kids, including twins, and don't define myself by that fact.
Hi Louise, My main point to this post was that parents are comparing kids at different ages, although close in age to twins. I am not saying that I am special due to having twins. I am just a mum that got annoyed at others comparing kids of different ages to twins, that is all. I appreciate your comment and your point of view. Suzanne
ive had parents say the same to my boyfriend and i and all i can do is cringe. NO YOU CANNOT RELATE twins is the only thing like twins! am i the only one who gets annoyed when someone tells me they look like double trouble? ii don't find my daughter's to be trouble
Hi Tara, If I had a $2 coin for every time that was said to me I think I would be rich! I know it is annoying to hear, the kids are not a trouble, although at times hard work but it is a joy having them. I have had people ask if they are twins? I have said no once and told someone that one was a teenager and the other a newborn. You should have seen the looks on their face! Thanks for your comment Tara. Suzanne
Great post. I am a single mum of twins. I get comments like that a lot but also get comments from married or partnered mums whose partner works away sometime or doesn't help much saying they are like a single parent. There is no comparison. Makes me feel really isolated and unsupported.
Hi Narelle, I have a partner who works long hours and I do everything during the week. However I am not a single parent. I am lucky that hubby can help out in the evening and on weekends. It does help. I do understand it would be annoying to hear that said to you when that is not the case for the other person. I do understand it is hard being a single parent and I am sure you are doing an amazing job. I have a couple of mates that have twins who are single parents. Thanks so much for your comment, and for following the blog. Suzanne
I have 8 month old twins (and a 2 year old) and cannot stand when people try to say ooo I had my 1 year old and another right after I know how you feel 2 at once is rough. I can only say that taking that special time for each one with just them and mommy and daddy is important from the begging that way they know that love is equal between the both or in my case all 3. And I know that it will not get easier but we hang in there because if being a mom is hard than being mommy to twins is double that.
Congratulations on your twins. I know having a toddler and baby twins would be a hard job. We have tried to do the one on one time with each baby since they were born. It does get hard due to me being the only person with them during the week. We make it a priority to be with each child and to spend time listening about their day and things they would like to do. Things are harder for multiple mums but if you have more kids and then twins I think that makes the work load more instantly. Thanks for the comment. Suzanne
Great article and this is your blog so letting off steam is good. I probably would have to disagree with your comment in your reply to Jasmin above though where you add that "things are harder for multiple Mums". Everyone has a different experience of motherhood and while I have no doubt that having twins must be an extreme challenge in the early days (and maybe also later) I wouldn't say that multiple Mum's have it harder, some would even say that they are getting through those early days in one swoop (as hard as that swoop may be).
I do not have twins but do have five children (the four eldest of which were all under 5 years old with the youngest being born two years later). The eldest is now in his first year of High School and the others all in Primary School so life between 9am and 3pm is a little more relaxed. To be honest I think having the first child was harder than having each subsequent one (and even harder than all five, the big wake up call that being a first time parent brings). Also, some children who are born 11 months apart (or even more) are both being breastfed, not the same as twins but a challenge all the same... and these children/families do still require double prams etc as we did. Sometimes we just have to take things said by others with a grain of salt, or vent as you have done in this article (I know you feel all the better for it) and then move on... no one else ever fully understands another person's experiences, we can only try to empathise (or not in the case of many people I guess but we can't do anything about them). Obviously you are doing a fab job raising your daughters.
Amy
P.S. You may wonder what on earth I am doing reading your blog... well a friend that happens to be a Mother of twins shared it to her facebook profile, thanks for the enlightenment.
Hi Amy and thanks so much for your comment. Yes you are very right about getting the kids out of the way if you just want two kids, being pregnant once is a good thing. I do understand that everyone is different and that is so for every situation. I did not think about being still breast fed at 11 months or 15 months as I did it for about 5 and half months and then had to give the kids full time formula with a little breast milk in their breakfast cereal. I am impressed with anyone with more kids than two and I just think being a mum is a hard job full stop. Fitting it all in and doing it all for all kids, parents and everyone. I appreciate your friend sharing the blog post and I hope you still read the blog. It is about parenting and many more things than just twin issues. Have a great night. Suzanne.
I have both, boys less than two years apart and then about three years later, twin girls. I totally agree with you. I hate it when people tell me that their two kids are like having twins. If you don't have twins, you have no idea. :)
Hi Mary, wow boys twins and then girl twins. I can imagine you would hate that phrase about having your hands full. I hate it with a passions too! I hear it nearly daily. Yes you are 110% right about not knowing what twins are like and I would never begin to understand what having another set of twins would be like either. I am glad you agree with me, and thanks so much for your lovely comment. Have a great day, Suzanne.
I agree that the first few weeks would be insane with twins, those night time feeds would be a nightmare. I can't even imagine.
I am a single mum of a 6, 7 and 8 year old. When I got pregnant with my third, I was in the process of breaking up with their father. When my third arrived I was basically dropped off home having just given birth with a newborn, a 12 month old and a 2 year old. I had no help from family and friends. I had no car. I was completely alone. At night time they would often wake up at staggered times, I was up and down night and day. This is why I am so mental about my routines these days, it was the only way I got through it.
I also had a beautiful cousin that had just one child, but as she had depression and mental health issues, she struggled terribly. She sadly succumbed to her disease and is no longer with us, her baby lives with my uncle.
My point is that I think a lot of mums have struggles, some find motherhood a breeze, some face such impossible obstacles. The important thing is not to judge but to support each other! Although some say dumb stuff that might annoy us. The amount of times I hear "You've got your hands full!"...lol. It can get on your nerves.
Hi Dale, I hear you on being up and down all night with the kids. I feel for you having a new born and the others to manage on your own. That would have been tough. I too had a great routine but that went out the window after the kids lost their day sleeps, and I tried to have them have one but they would not play ball. I am sorry that your cousin struggled with depression and is no longer with us. Yes everyone has issues and struggles, and at times I despair that there is too much to do or I get upset, sick or annoyed. I know what you mean about people saying silly or dumb things and I do try to brush it off. However writing this post I thought most people would say, "NO", it does not happen to me, and have found that others have experienced it as well.
Well done to you for doing it with 3 little people on your own. I would find that hard, but again you learn to cope and deal with your situation. It is like having twins for the first child, you have to get used to 2 kids instantly. I just coped and carried on. Loved your comment, and thanks so much for your email. Have a lovely night or day. Suzanne